just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
