Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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