How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
