So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Actions speak louder than pants.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
