Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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