I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
