I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
