Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
