Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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