Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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