I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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