So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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