Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
do herpes really smell.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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