Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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