I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
