Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
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