Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
