Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
