she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I want to fling myself into the sun
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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