Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
