i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
