everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
