Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
