i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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