we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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