The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
