apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
