Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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