I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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