went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
