You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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