The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
