why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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