now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
