you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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