Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
