Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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