I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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