I look better un-naked...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
