i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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