Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
