I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
