Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
