as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
They have beer where we have blood.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
