the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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