I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i now understand why vodka
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
