dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
