I want to walk on stilts...naked
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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