i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
