Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Someone shit on the floor
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
