shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
