Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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