he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
