oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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