I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
