I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
