No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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