I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
