the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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