i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize